“I’m not hugging him.” I recently stated to my husband, on our way to pick up his truck at the dealership.
I was referring to our car salesman (let’s call him Fred, shall we?) We’ve dealt with this dealership over the last few years and according to Fred, we’re “part of the [dealership name] family.”
Apparently, being “part of the family” means being called “darlin’ ” and mandates hugs — from me, not my husband.
“I’m going to tell him to hug you,” I forewarned him.
About a year and half ago, I called Fred on the phone about an issue with my vehicle. “That’s just the way it is,” he pacified me with a line. “Have a nice day, darlin’ ” I didn’t say anything, that time. But I’ve had lots of time to stew on it.
A few days ago, when we arrived at the dealership, sure enough, Fred walked around the corner, saw me, threw his arms open and called “Daaahling!” across the showroom floor.
I didn’t respond, my expression blank (probably mad, actually.)
He walked towards me with his arms open. I verbally said, “No.”
He kept coming. I put my hand up in a stop position.
He kept coming. I placed my hand on his chest, repeated, “No,” and turned him towards my husband and said, “He bought the truck, hug him.”
Fred actually hugs my husband, who was then also not impressed. There was evidently some confusion. And then I said, “Oh, and call him Jim Dear.”
The salesman said, “Why would I call him Jim Dear?”
“Well, you call me ‘Darling,’ I figured you should call my husband ‘Jim Dear.’ ”
After a small hesitation, he got focused on the task at hand and talked to my husband about getting keys and paperwork, etc.. He at no time acknowledged the situation, he tucked tail and ran.
I waited until they went outside to go over the truck.
I had the General Manager paged.
I recommended to him that they get their staff some updated training on how to treat their women customers.
He was genuinely concerned.
I tell him about the incidents that have happened at their location. [Including that I’ve been hugged more than once, by different men, depending on what point in the sales process we’re in.] I don’t appreciate pet names. And just because a man opens his arms does not mean a woman HAS to hug him.
He tripped over his words, “Of…of course not.” He was sincerely shocked at what I was saying. But should he have been?
I didn’t yell, I spoke calmly with intention.
When I finished, he said he didn’t know what to say. I could tell that this is the first time this has been brought to his attention. That treatment of their women customers has never crossed his mind. Or maybe learning that expecting to hug a woman on demand is offensive.
What I didn’t say was if we don’t hug the man approaching us with open arms, we’re instantly “a bitch.” There is no in between. Men don’t consider a woman standing up for herself to be a woman standing up for herself. He’s instead licking his insulted wounds making the woman the bad person in each scenario. Automatically assuming it must be her time of the month. It. Must. Be. Her.
We’ve been raised to be “good girls” and give people hugs since we’re children. At some point in their tweens it stops being expected of boys, but girls are taught to always follow through. Even when we don’t want to, because it’s socially expected. It’s nice. It’s normal. The problem is these things appear minor. What’s the fuss, right? It’s just a hug. The fuss is I don’t like being called “darling” and I sure as hell don’t want to be hugged by my f*cking car salesman, or his boss, or the guy who does the paperwork!
Ladies, please stand up. It’s time to think about pet names and hugs and all the other little nuances that are expected of us but shouldn’t be. It’s time to teach men our boundaries. Each drop we create, makes a difference, even if it’s small. They don’t know if we don’t teach them. And it’s going to be by correcting these personal interactions that will make the difference. We must use our voices.
This post isn’t about men who are ill intentioned. It’s about the men who are not ill intentioned. Men, who through social norms, don’t think about the impact of their words or actions. Men who don’t think of themselves as one of “those men.”
Gentlemen, instead of opening your arms expecting [demanding] she hug you, just ask first. And if she says no, respect her choice. Just offer to shake her hand instead. Or skip the whole hug thing and just offer to shake her hand in the first place. Oh, and use her name. If you’re in doubt about how to treat your women customers, just ask yourself how you’d treat your male customers and then do that.
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Comments and differing opinions are always welcome, please keep them respectful.
One Drop, Big Ripples 